Memory

Well, here I am again: compelled to write, to express, to feel, after seeing a band I’ve listened to for years in the flesh.

I had the strange but incredible opportunity to see Unleash the Archers two days in a row – once in Adelaide and once in Perth. (They added a Perth show late, after I’d already booked everything for the Adelaide one.) They were amazing both times, but what set the second show apart was I managed to get into the very front row. There was no barrier between me and the stage, and the band was literally centimetres away the whole show. At any point I could have reached out and touched them.

When this happens and when the artist leans into it, you become part of the experience. We made eye contact, fist bumped, and looked at each other while we sang the words together. I would never have expected the difference this would make, how it elevated an already fantastic show into something so much more personal. I’m going to be riding this high for days. At least three times while I was recording a video on my phone, the singer Brittney Hayes noticed and sang to the camera. I’m not much of a celebrity person, but being noticed and acknowledged by someone whose talents I admire has me completely giddy. 

It’s the most viscerally and strongly I’ve felt in months. A metal show is a unique place where you can absolutely let go: you can scream, flail your arms around, dance or jump, cry, whatever. It doesn’t matter what you look like or what you do because everyone else there is there for the same reason: the love of the music, and they won’t judge you.

This has been a difficult year in many ways. Planning a wedding is equal parts exciting and stressful, not to mention the aggressive saving we’ve been doing for it. My game development successes from last year have unfortunately not carried over, and I’ve had two different game attempts gutter out into indefinite hiatus, which has been incredibly discouraging and draining. I didn’t realise how much I’d settled into a numb, day-by-day malaise, mobbed by a thousand everyday irritations until this trip, though short, completely shocked me out of it all and reminded me that I am a person with dreams and likes and aspirations and that I can feel, not just think. That there exists a world outside of my apartment’s walls – I hadn’t realised how much my outlook had shrunk to the four rooms I live in and the screens I stare into for most of my life. 

The trip I’ve just been on was packed with so many great experiences: seeing my best friends all together for the first time in months, seeing the new house that a pair of them have just bought, meeting the child that a different pair of them have just brought into the world, and examining the first results of the new hobby we’re all getting into. I want to continue to be present in their lives, to be a part of their journey and have them be a part of mine. 

And of course the shows. For these musicians to journey across the world from Canada, and for this weird tour schedule change to allow our lives to intersect twice in two days is something I’ll forever be grateful for. Seeing an artist you admire live is the crown jewel in the listening journey. A rare experience, but one I will always treasure.

I need to do this more often.

I’ve consistently said that this blog is a lesson and a reminder from me to myself. Reading the past few entries has been humbling, because I’ve come to similar conclusions before, and yet this year I failed to learn from past lessons, and fell into the same struggle I’ve fallen into before, chasing the same immense and misguided goal of becoming a video game developer, when this is not what gives my life meaning.

Here’s what gives my life meaning: 

  1. My connections to the people I love,
  2. Travel and seeing new places, particularly natural wonders,
  3. Music – the “ordinary” listening experience to form the foundation, and live shows as the capstone,
  4. Creating and storytelling, on my own but especially with others. Not just the result, but the process, the experience.

This is the accrual of things I’ve written in this blog before. It’s practically scientific. It’s time to learn from this.

In 6-9 months’ time when I get restless again and think that the solution is to upend my life and change my career, I need to reread this list and do the things on it. Go for a trip. Go see a show. Get in a mosh and feel myself into existence again. Go hug my friends.

Memory is so fallible. 

In my Antioch youth group days, one particular talk that a member gave was about experiencing, and being present for things like music shows or other (usually) one-off experiences. She criticised the desire to want to record these things instead of just being present and letting yourself be immersed in the experience. It’s one of the only individual talks from my years in the group that has stuck with me all this time, and it’s a very valid point.

However, there is a flipside. Without a record, without a memory aid, even the most intense experience we have will eventually fade in our minds. We can’t stop this entirely, but we can help ourselves a lot by making and keeping a memento. That’s why I record at least a bit of every show I attend. I don’t overdo it, because yes, being present is the point of being there, but in 5 years’ time I can rewatch my video of Brittney Hayes looking me in the eyes as we sing Ghosts In The Mist, and I’ll definitely remember what that felt like better than if I had the memory and nothing else.

It’s also why I keep updating this blog, even if only once or twice a year. Part of it is that I just have the unsuppressable need to put these thoughts to the page. But the lessons that I’ve explicitly listed above only emerge after looking at what I’ve written over a timeframe of years.

It’s time to listen.

Hidden Window by Be’lakor – a harbinger of coming wonder

How do you follow something as grand a masterwork as Vessels? If Hidden Window is any indication, Be’lakor has plenty left to give us.

Five years ago, I did an in-depth analysis of Vessels. Be’lakor themselves tweeted that they thoroughly enjoyed reading it. After listening to and reading the lyrics for Hidden Window, I felt a similar urge to dig deeply into the song and see what treasures I could unearth.

This post is going to assume you’ve listened to the song and are familiar with the lyrics or have them handy. No preamble, let’s enter the mountain.

From Fall to Rise

I want to take an extensive look at the rhyming structure used in the song. Most of the verses follow an ABBA rhyming structure, where the first and last lines rhyme, and the middle two lines rhyme. This does two things. For one, it creates a sense of outside and inside the verse. As you read the lyrics, you get a rhythm of go in, come out, go in, come out. This mimics the daily rhythm of the song’s characters, who spend day after day entering the mountain, mining, and exiting again.

Secondly, you’re constantly kept off balance by the changing rhyme. You start with the first line of a verse, move to the second which doesn’t rhyme, you get a little bit of closure from the third line, the fourth line maybe makes you think of the first, but then the next verse begins and you’re thrown off again. There’s a stumbling to the lyrics, a deliverance of unease, accentuated in the vocals by the sometimes sped-up delivery of a verse’s third line. The outer lines give a nice framing to the verses when written down, but that framing doesn’t come through when those lines are vocalised, and that’s intentional. This is masterful, deliberate use of rhyme (and lack) to strengthen the themes of the song. There are only four verses that don’t use ABBA for their rhyme. Let’s look at them in detail.

The first is a verse that follows an ABAB rhyming structure:

What if he knows that I saw?
And what if he decides to strike?
But what if it was nothing more
Than light’s deceit and failing sight?

This verse marks the break between the two halves of the song (in terms of lyrics, not runtime). The first half sets the scene of the characters and the setting without getting into specifics. The second half, starting with the verse above, has us diving into the mind of the central character who grapples with his friend’s theft.

You could argue that if Be’lakor wanted to mark the break between halves with rhyme structure, they should have had the previous verse do that, which describes the actual “observation” of the theft. However, by maintaining ABBA for that verse, we are caught by surprise – the rhyme doesn’t tip us off that something is changing. Instead, there is a long musical interlude which punctuates the break more than any lyrics could do. The piano is introduced here, and it’s mellow but hurried – there’s tension even as our point of view descends into the mind of our main character.

Which brings me back to the ABAB verse. The vocal delivery is more subdued than in the other verses. Coming out of that melancholy musical interlude and all those prior off-kilter verses, the smoothness of the rhyme structure here provides relief, reflecting the tantalising, tempting thoughts of paranoia that haunt our character. Although doubt lingers, the character has at least partially bought into the thoughts that lead to the song’s eventual tragedy.

The guitars then resume, and we go back to ABBA, with our POV moving back out into the third-person. Music and rhyme complement each other excellently.

The second exception to the ABBA rhyme structure is the climax of the song:

In pebble’s bounce, the avalanche
In falling drop, the bursting dam
He gripped the pick, and looming, then
Swung an arc that killed his friend

Whereas the previous verse we focused on was centered on thought, this one marks the song’s definitive action. The music rises to its height here, and for good reason. This verse is the only one with the rhyme structure AABB. With its focus on action, the rhyme provides a sense of progression, of moving forward from one thing to the next. The verse invokes an avalanche in the lyrics, and it reinforces that with the lines moving irrevocably from one rhyme to the next. The riff at swung an arc stops and hangs, and it feels like a point of no return, you can imagine the movement of arms and torso to power the swing, which follows through on momentum, until it makes contact, marked with the chord on killed emphasising the end of the arc.

Notice we are not given time to grieve. Where there feels like there should be an ode to the moment, there’s instead a ferocious, frantic moving on. We immediately move on to the next verse:

He barely saw their third had fled
As febrile haze evaporated

And with it, certainty faded
Abandoned now for churning dread

I went back and forth a lot over the rhyme in this verse. “Fled” and “dread” definitely rhyme, and if you were just reading the verse in a normal speaking voice, it would be ABBA because the emphasis in “evaporated” and “faded” isn’t on the last syllable. However, the vocals in the song hugely elongate the last syllable of the middle two lines, which turns this into an AAAA(!) verse – all the lines rhyme to remove cruft and bring us deeply into the character’s panic, bringing us into the moment now, even as we’re processing the death that’s just occurred. The guitars insist we listen with wonderful leads that aren’t as piercing as they were in the climax. The word dread then leads straight on again into the last verse, which has structure ABAB:

Endless whispers from the void
Each offering narration
He searched the body frantically
And begged for vindication

The structure is the same as the previous ABAB verse because this verse, as with that one, narrows onto character thought. This seems counterintuitive, but even though the action here is critical, only one line out of four describes it. The other three describe the character’s mental state, pleading, please let me be right, please tell me I didn’t murder him for nothing. The riff here is a brilliant descent into dread, each measure seeming to draw us down into a pool from which there is no escape.

I want to call out one other thing here: at least from the lyrics, we don’t get an answer. The last visual we have is the character rifling a corpse in panic as (at least in my mind’s eye) the camera slowly zooms out of a cave in which the final candlelight is sputtering out.

However, the lack of answer is answer itself: he can keep searching forever, but he’ll never find that treasure. The last chord of the song, and the finality of the ABAB final verse, definitively states that the story’s over. If the lyrics had outright stated that he found nothing, it wouldn’t have been half as effective. We know, even if it’s not said, just as, probably, the character knows too. It’s a fantastic example of a writing principle: describe what’s there, not what’s not there.

Overall, Hidden Window is lyrical excellence. I adore the sheer intention that permeates every line, and the use of rhyme to complement the themes of the song is unmatched.

This concludes my main analysis. The two next sections will be a couple of smaller thoughts I have about the song, and I’ll wrap up with my hopes for the upcoming album.

Would Finally Snuff

The lyrics do have at least one weakness. In the first verse, we have closest friends now that their greed / had burdened them with things to hide. The song mocks the “friendship” between the characters, implying that it’s a grudging friendship, born out of opportunity only. But the climax of the song has swung an arc that killed his friend. The friendship here is being played up for emotional effect, which contradicts its depiction in the first verse. We could imagine that over the timeline of the song the necessary friendship blossomed into something genuine, and was then tragically destroyed by the onset of paranoia, but there’s nothing in the song to indicate that.

A Note on Tragedy

One last note about the story. Plenty of Be’lakor’s songs have fantasy or supernatural elements to them, such Venator or The Dream and the Waking. Let’s look at the two verses in Hidden Window that describe the journey from onset of paranoia to climax:

From just a flicker in the mind
The thought would twist, consume, then grow
And with each wave, doubt would erode
Til all he knew confirmed his bind

Those ancient paths bore only fear
That, left unchecked, had overflowed
To shatter balance he had known
As shrinking walls began to near

The first of these two verses is decidedly human; it is located entirely within the mind of the character. But in the second verse, it’s the ancient paths that bore only fear. This is possibly an implication that there’s something in or about the mine itself that is influencing the character. The last line of the verse, however, seems to overturn this, as shrinking walls is definitely a perceptual thing.

Then we also have the first line of the final verse: Endless whispers from the void. Literally, this seems to be an external void feeding whispers into the character, but in context I read it more as a multitude of thoughts assailing the character’s mind in that darkest of moments.

So while, overall, the song pretty strongly implies that this whole sequence of events is just the product of stress and emotion, the ancient paths line is a little sliver that hints at the mountain itself playing some part. I love this little bit of ambiguity, but at the same time, the story is all the more tragic because there are most likely no other influences here. We can very plausibly imagine a situation like this happening. It’s just people being people, but the song is a masterpiece in elevating the tragic, terrible detail and feeling of this story.

Parting Thoughts

Even five years later, I still get the occasional comment on my analysis of Vessels. People have gained insight and enjoyment from it, and I hope this post does something of the same.

It’s clear that Be’lakor is still crushingly effective at using their signature style to deliver dread riffs, and their lyrical chops have actually gotten even better, which is incredible. Vessels is delectable, but five years has definitely been long enough to savour it. Bring on Coherence. I’m more than ready.